Starting in 2010 my husband and I have been on a roller coaster of death and dying. The most interesting thing I’ve learned through all this loss and sadness is that grief is its own thing, its own being. You have to be okay with its presence. You have to be able to sit with grief and meet it face to face. If you try to ignore it or run away from it, it will come at you like a lion ready to rip you to shreds. Things like happiness and melancholy come from within, but grief is an unwelcome visitor. And you have no choice but to acknowledge its presence and let in it.
Funny as it may sound, I’m grateful for all the bad times in my life because they nudge me to relish and savor the good times. One doesn’t have to look far to see someone who has it worse off. No matter what my druthers may be at times, I would not trade this grief and sorrow for anything. Life is really short, really precious, and really fucking fragile. Perspective is a big thing I’m grateful for. However, I am most thankful for all the support and patience from my diverse set of friends and family who put up with goofy, quirky ‘ol me, especially my best friend/husband.
Lately tho it’s been tough to muster up that gratitude. January in Minnesota is a tough time even for the hardiest of us. My dad’s health has taken several hits recently, so I worry about him and what will happen. I worry about a lot of things, and it’s this worry that clouds my perspective. So I’m writing this in hopes that this pain will pass, or at least lessen, and I can feel like me again. Call this depression, anxiety - label it as you will. But maybe this is all part of being alive and loving people? Regardless, the sun always shines somewhere even if we can’t see it. Suppose I just need to trust that it’s out there.
“Pain is the price we pay for being alive. Dead cells—our hair, our fingernails—can’t feel pain; they cannot feel anything. When we understand that, our question will change from, “Why do we have to feel pain?” to “What do we do with our pain so that it becomes meaningful and not just pointless empty suffering?” ― Harold S. Kushner
